This is part 4 of a series on relational communication, equipping people to enter into relationships in a more healthy and loving way. I highly recommend starting with part 1 of this series and continuing on from there as this post draws upon points already established in previous parts.

Have you ever wanted to change someone’s mind? Yeah, me too! Usually because I think I’m right, or because I’m frustrated with the impact someone is having on their own life or on others’ lives by how they’re thinking and, therefore, living. Yet, we also know that God is the One who is in control. So what does it look like to, in a godly way, change someone’s mind? Can it be done?

Before we go anywhere, I’d like to take this time to remind us of our baseline foundations for this entire series. We will draw upon these foundations in this topic.

Foundations

• Not everyone values the same things you do! Take time to find out what they do value and what does motivate them before assuming they are like you.
  • Different generations value different things more highly: truth, being real, saving the world, or experiencing beauty are 4 very different motivating factors for 4 different kinds of generations! 
  • How will you interact differently with other generations knowing they see things from a different point of view than you do?

• LOVE someone enough to try to understand them. Lean in.
• Assume the best of others until they prove otherwise (see below).
• We are responsible for ourselves; how we act and how we react. Others are responsible for themselves; how they act and how they react. No one makes you do anything.
  • You can also create a space for others to be more likely to act and react well by:
    • framing your conversation, 
    • using subjective & situational language, 
    • stepping back and observing, 
    • consider both/and (vs. either/or, or ‘all or nothing’ thinking), 
    • mining for conflict, and 
    • interrogating the direction to its natural end.
• 99% of the time, no one is trying to be a jerk, even when they hurt you. Usually, conflict with others comes from miscommunication or from misplaced expectations:
  • Miscommunication: when you both say one thing but mean two different things, or when you both use one word but mean two different things.
  • Misplaced expectations: didn’t have realistic or honestly communicated expectations of the other person going in
• It’s NOT about winning; it’s about deeper relationships.
• “So far as it depends on you, live at peace with one another”. In conflict, you do your part; you cannot make them do theirs.
  • If, as you are trying, they are unwilling to have the conversation, you can try a mediator (see below) or stop trying.
  • If, as you are trying, they are unwilling to give any space to listen to you even when you ask for it, they may not be worth the effort.
  • If you have tried but you get nowhere, try bringing in a mediator (neutral third party) – especially if your conflict is within an organizational structure. If, as you bring in a mediator, they are still unwilling to have the conversation or to listen, then either more people will be brought in or you will have done your part.

Now that we’ve reminded ourselves of how this works, the topic for today!

How are Minds Changed?

When you hear the phrase “change someone’s mind”, what do you find yourself thinking or feeling? How has your mind been changed in the past? What was that process like? Who or what was a part of that process for you?

Most of us have had our minds changed and perhaps have even changed others’ minds. When you think about it, rarely does it happen in a debate format, though most of us try to change people’s minds by exchanging facts in a debate. So why doesn’t this always work? What else is going on?

3 Main Ways Minds are Changed: (easiest to hardest)

• Information & Learning
  • A subset of this: Exposure to New Experiences, or Displacement
• Being Held to Beliefs/Values
  • Or more accurately, being challenged to see their application of beliefs and values doesn’t match up with their beliefs, thereby challenging them to re-assess what they value and believe
• Breaking the Power of Negative Emotions that have Taken Over Decision-Making
  • Another way to say this is to get people out of trauma-related or crisis-related responses, and yes, even an untrained, layperson can do this

I’ll break these down more in-depth below, but before we go any further, I’d like to reiterate that I am not a counselor nor a therapist, though I have learned these techniques from a therapist. This is one amateur speaking to another.

Rules for Changing Someone’s Mind:

• NEVER assume you are better than or know more than the other person. Being condescending or thinking you are better than them gets you worse than nowhere in just about every situation.
  • You might be right. But you are never superior to the other person. If you cannot come into the conversation with humility, hold off until you can.
• NEVER assume that you need to change someone’s mind right away. Do everything you can based on what we have learned already to first find out if there is a reason to try to change someone’s mind.
• ALWAYS go in willing to have your own mind changed.
• ALWAYS be patient; this may take a long time and it honestly may still never work.

Now that we’ve covered groundrules and posture, let’s get into each of these ways minds are changed with a little more depth!

Information, Learning, and New Experiences (Easy)

This is the method where we most often share books, articles, statistics, news stories, videos, and so on with someone to try to expose them to another point of view. 

This is our favorite, and often our first (maybe even our only) method that we try to use to change people’s minds. Unfortunately, it is rarely this simple.

This method only works if both agree to this method and both agree to be willing to make decisions and act based on what information that can learn from one another, no matter how they feel about this information.

A more potent version of information and learning is to offer an experience.

• Wilberforce in Great Britain finally got Parliament to see what he was getting at about abolishing slavery when he took a boat full of nobles to a slave ship to see the inhuman conditions for themselves.
• Students adamant that racism is no longer an issue will sometimes feel very differently once they have real friendships with people of color, and once they have heard about instances of racism done to their friends.
• Many with wealth will assume those in poverty are there because they are lazy. A trip to an impoverished country or to an impoverished town in their own state will often change their minds.

What happens when this doesn’t work? Many will say they are willing to have their minds changed if they were simply presented with evidence or with information that would debunk what they believe. Unfortunately, many refuse to change their minds when presented with said evidence or information. That is because they have another attachment to the issue, and it’s not about logic or evidence. It’s about beliefs, values, or feelings.

If someone says they want evidence, and when given that evidence they still will not change, it’s time to use a different method. They don’t actually want evidence, even if they cannot see that.

Hold them to Their Beliefs (Medium)

This is the method where we discern what their deepest motivations are and what standard of values they live by. For many, this is a set of religious beliefs or a philosophy. Many are still in process, deciding who they are and what they believe. Our task in this is to ask what rules they live by and how that applies to their daily life and circumstances; the rest after that is simply to hold them to what they believe.

How do you know when to use this method?

• You have tried information/a new experience and it didn’t work.
• You already know this person does not respond well to being presented information or evidence.

This may be obvious, but it’s worth saying: holding them to YOUR beliefs gets you nowhere. They will not be interested in your beliefs if they think theirs are already perfectly fine and good. Most people don’t want others forcing their beliefs on them.

Get it? Got it? Good.

You are looking for the ‘black swan’, the thing that gives you a negotiation point. Usually this is already clear to you from your vantage point, but not to them from theirs:

• “You told me you want to live in such a way that no one is ever hurt (black swan), but you have hurt me by telling me you don’t like my accent.”

If someone believes strongly that no one should judge anyone, then your job is to hold them to that, and if you catch them judging someone, you ask them about how that action fits in with their philosophy. This will lead to one of two results: they realize their error and agree with you, thereby changing their behavior, or they must reassess what they believe and adjust their belief system.

I LOVE IT when Christians are held to their Christianity. It is one of the most refreshing things. Unfortunately many Christians do not let themselves be held to their beliefs; we get a lot of hypocrites when this happens. (This is true for not just Christians, but as a Christian, it’s worth pointing out!!)

If in doubt, as yourself, “who or what is their highest authority?” – point them back to this authority and ask how they are applying their set of beliefs to this situation. 

If someone tells you what they believe and then when challenged, they shut down or become aggressive, it’s time to use a different method. They either aren’t living by the standards they say they hold themselves to, or their feelings are so deep on this topic they’re unable to make a rational decision.

Breaking the Power of Negative Emotions over Decision-Making (Hard)

Sometimes, a situation or circumstance is so wholly wrapped up in negative emotions – fear, trauma, shame, anxiety, or a challenge to someone’s identity – that they cannot respond rationally and they lose the ability to reason. When this happens, the person is not thinking very much; they are feeling much.

This method is, effectively, working to de-escalate someone out of their great fear so that they can engage more rationally, with less negative and more positive feelings attached to the situation. It is literally what a hostage negotiator does. You’re learning hostage negotiation today; congrats!

How do you know when to use this method?

• Someone is visibly agitated or is using language that connotes a more exaggerated set of negative emotions than is usual for them.
• You have tried the other methods and they aren’t working.

What to do:

• Listen for what they want. Why are they upset? What led to this issue? Why does this feel like a crisis for them? How are they feeling about it?
• Sympathize with what you can. You may not agree with everything. See if you can at least understand that, in their reality and in what they are feeling and experiencing, they have good reason to be upset.
  • “Put yourself in their shoes”; how would you feel?
• Don’t take away their power in the situation. This may be tempting to do when you believe they are wrong, but you will only confirm their fears if you do. Remember, they are responding with emotions. Assuage their emotions before presenting them with facts.
• See if there are ways you can defer to them. This helps them feel less out of control and less likely to respond drastically. Invite them to come up with solutions based on their belief systems.
• Look for the ‘black swan’, the thing that gives you a negotiation point. When they are in a place where they can trust you, then you can use this to go back to the second method.
• You are looking to build trust, be honest, and be a person they can share how they are really feeling with. They will not be willing to do anything else until they can first trust you.

You’ll notice that the goal is always to match your approach to the hardest level someone is at, and then work them back up to easy.

A Story of Crisis Response:

I have, unfortunately, been in many situations across all three of these categories, and due to the desire to keep people’s confidences, there are very few stories I can share. Here is one, with the details left a bit generic to protect privacy:

A couple years back, I watched as a country’s election led to chaos in the streets of its capitol. A friend of mine believed the election in his country was rigged and that the rightful president had not been elected. I had been watching this nation’s election and believed the rightful president had indeed been elected and was appalled at the riots in the streets. Still, as I saw what was on the news, my friend came to mind, so I called him. He was in distress, saying that the riots were going to now become the main thing on the news instead of the rigged election. I listened. I asked questions like, “what are you feeling?” and “what were you hoping for?” and “what would it have looked like for this to have been done well?” After about 30 minutes on the phone, he had calmed enough to ask me how I was doing watching the news. I hesitated, knowing I disagreed with him, but I shared what I really thought – starting with where I agreed with him – that the riots were not the best answer to an election answer that you don’t want, and that now this group was unlikely to be heard as well. And then I could turn it to what our faith – which we share in common – has taught me to think about this topic, that there is no perfect politician, that the Kingdom of God is what is best, and that the Lord is still Lord regardless of who wins an election. By the time I did share that I thought the other candidate was the rightful president, we had so much common ground built up that it didn’t hurt him to hear it, and after a little more listening to him on his politics, he trusted me enough to ask me why I thought this candidate was rightfullly elected. I was then able to explain what I had observed of the nation’s election process and how it compared to my own nation’s process. While I didn’t hear him say that his mind was changed, I did observe a change in how he engaged the topic of the election after that, and since then, I have watched him increase in making God the center of how he engages tough topics like politics.

Can you see where he went from strong negative emotions to being held to his beliefs to being presented with new information? Can you see the result of this approach?

In Summation:

Our goal as always is to love others and to show them God’s love for them. Whether someone comes to agree with us or not, we can always offer this to others as a gift!

It is worth saying again that this is an effort on your part, often undeserved by the other party, but a beautiful gift that we are all called to give to others as we have the capacity to give it. So what happens when you just don’t even have the capacity and you’re at your limit? How can yet get better and stay better as you engage in healthy communication? Stay tuned for our next topic, Getting Healthy Enough to Engage & Knowing When to Stop.