Testimony Tuesdays

TESTIMONY IN THE MAKING

I’m trying to freak out. But hour-by-hour when I ask God if it’s going to okay, I feel his peace hold my heart, like his hand is adding to me calm and longevity. I have plenty of fears and a plethora of accusations against myself, and he takes my restless mind and sets it on him by reminding me that he is always my help, always.

That hasn’t quieted my mind for long periods of time because I seem to fear that I could lose his help if I demand too much from him, in my timing and not waiting on his timing. I have heard many sermons on this subject that highlight the faithlessness of Abraham’s wife Sarah. It always terrifies me and seems to be the intent of the sermon writer. So now I’m screaming inside to God: I can set it up! I’m a mess it up! Aren’t I stupid?

As a result, every day this week I have been thinking about a miraculous day I shared with God when I was two years old. And I think the Holy Spirit is reminding me that even if I intend to do something dangerous and the result of getting what I want sets me to tears and I get myself in a feeling of humiliation because of my success, when I’m determined to do something that would risk my life, in his love for my life God will send help. And so, how much more will he help me when I’m setting out to accomplish his will and my desires are in union with his will? More, the answer is more.

TESTIMONY FROM MY PAST

I didn’t want to take a bath and so I developed a fool-proof plan that would force my mother to negate her intention to bathe me by bothering the tools required to complete the task. I had set my sights on the towels, believing that if I saturated every clean towel in bath water that my mother would be forced to take time to wash the sullied towels, which would take time enough to run into bedtime. Certainly, the bath would be forfeited.

I set about implementing my plan. I used the small stool to get up on the counter. I stood on the counter and opened the cabinets beside the sink, positioned high against the ceiling. I got the first batch onto the floor, easily. But there was another cabinet, two-doors-wide next to the first cabinets, with towels. I developed my plan while standing on the counter.

While I thought, I dismissed the risks of falling. Although, I considered them, I valued the absence of a bath, more. Also, I factored in, the possible embarrassment of a plan halfway completed. I could not endure the prospect of getting in trouble for a mess and having to take a bath, too. So, the mess of towels, already, on the floor meant I had to finish my mission at the risk of breaking of my body.

Before stretching to implement the second part of my plan, God got my attention. I don’t know if I saw the angel, first, or if he spoke, first.  But God and I had a discussion and I saw an angel, not in glory but in transparency as though it was it supposed to be invisible. I saw it by the way the image gathered around the edges of the form, like a mirrored cylinder.

God and I talked about the risks and my plan, including the return from inside the second set of cabinets back to the counter. Essentially, he said I needed help. And he said that he loved my mother very much and because he loved my mother, he sent an angel so I wouldn’t die. He said He loved me too, but His reasons for doing things matters because He’s God.

So, I agreed to the help of the angel.

I got into the first cabinet and set out for my plan, which was to hold the door and swing to the other cabinet. God helped to decide to do it, twice. Once, to open the doors and again the hit the towels out. He agreed to help by making sure that all the towels in the second cabinet were able to be knocked out in one swoop. But also, when I was ready to get into the first set of cabinets I needed to step onto the angel’s hand because the angle wasn’t right for me to succeed at getting around the open cabinet door, and I was too small to stretch to pull myself inside with the door nearest to me, closed. If I didn’t accept the help of the angel I would fall, and I could die.

So, seeing the angel’s hand, sort of, I stepped quickly and got inside the cabinet. I swung on the door and got the other doors to open. Then I swung on the door and swatted at the towels, they were in one stack on the far side, and I remember not being sure if my fingers did more than brush the towels. But the whole stack fell to the ground. The angel also helped me on the way back. I stepped on his hand to get on the counter, again. I got down and God told me to look in the cabinets and double check before Mom got back if they were all empty. They were empty.

Quickly, I picked up the towels and placed them into the bathwater.

And I was standing on the floor talking to God about his planning because he had to plan by having my Mom stack the towels and place them were placed, and nowhere else, and not having any other towels in the cabinet, only that little stack, which was a strange unbalanced contrast because the first cabinet, nearest to the counter hand been extra, extra stacked so that my Mom had shoved towels between other towels and there was no space, at all, in order for his help to succeed, when my Mom came into the bathroom.

She wasn’t even mad at, first. I definitely thought I was going to avoid a bath. And there is definitely photographic evidence of this accomplishment, somewhere. I know this because she told me that the first thing she did, while suppressing her laughter was get the camera.

But after she got all the towels in the dryer, she returned with a clean pair of my panties and said that I was going to be washed with them. I felt like I was being punished by God. I screamed in disappointment. But I learned that I could get something worse than a bath; I could get washed by a clean pair of panties. I was humiliated.

I deeply regrated my choice.

I felt gross on the inside.

And I asked God why we helped me. And I thought it was about learning about punishment and growing to fear my choices and the feeling of gross led to a deep woe and fear that God would never like me, and that he would let me be humiliated.

And after my bath, being dried – I think she used the hairdryer – my Mom was carrying me into my bedroom. In reply to my spiraling fears, God said: NOPE! Do you remember the angel? I’m going to heal you of your fears, and you’re going to know me and know your safe, safer than safe, but instead of thinking about the regret, after I wash your insides, you’re going to remember that I send an angel to help when I want to and I make plans to help, even when it’s not something you’re going like. And I will remind you that it’s all because I value your life. And then, you’ll tell people how much help I am. And you’ll be BOLD! When I send you out to do things that you will like.”

Intergection – I’m asking if I’m remembering rightly – I feel His warmth on my face. To me, that’s a Holy Spirit “Yes.”

Testimony cont’ – And then, he asked if I wanted him to give my insides a bath, to wash the gross out.

And I said, “Yes.”

And he said, “SAFE”

I felt like I was dancing in heaven. And I slept very well that night.

Okay, so that’s best attempt at concise.

• I rest because I trust him.
• I trust Him when I remember how He’s helped me, before.
• I hope in Him when I hear the testimonies of others.